chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
