Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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