Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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