i jhust puked up my retainher.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
