Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
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I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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