I only kidnapped one of them. chill
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
