Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
