I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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