Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
