I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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