Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
