i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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