so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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