been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
