explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
