Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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