remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
