I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
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I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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