If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
