just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
