I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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