i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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