There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
be right there i have to get my cape
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
