why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
