Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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