My room smells like vodka and shame
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
