Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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