how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
