I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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