My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
