Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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