omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
