He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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