You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
