i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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