Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
