last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
