Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The power of my boobs compel you
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
