im having a threesome with these popsicles
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
