No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
