I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
