i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
