i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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