I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
