I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
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It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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