i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
