I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
