Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
