He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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