i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
