So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You pole danced in your parka.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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