By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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