i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
