tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
