In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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