god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
