Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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