my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The police scanner is talking about you again....
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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