I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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