I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
