you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Acid is not a monday night drug
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
